Science & Psychology

Total Reading Time: 6 minutes
My friend Jonathan is the kind of guy who shows up at the airport and purchases a flight the day of his departure. He doesn’t make appointments, he rarely commits to events in advance, and hardly ever prepares for anything. He’s a happy-go-lucky guy and believes in living as spontaneously as possible.
You could say Jonathan is living for today.
My friend Rachel is driven by success. She lives by her calendar and knows exactly where she’ll be at any given time in the next three months. She’s organized and will always give you a yes or no answer. She loves to plan ahead, and endlessly researches her options before making decisions. She enjoys being in control, and likes to stick to a plan.
You could say Rachel is living for tomorrow.
My friend Ricardo is apathetic. He generally appears to be sad/depressed, and doesn’t get excited very easily. He tends to be negative toward himself and others. He views the world in a cynical way, and believes most people are bad. He likes to take the easy way out, and would rather most people left him alone.
You could say Ricardo is living in the past.
Jonathan, Rachel, and Ricardo are three people I was thinking about a lot during my recent trip to Brazil. At times, I found myself wavering between the present and the future. Frustrations with technology (lack of Wi-Fi) and deadlines (that I’d given myself) had me living in the future. The raw energy of the World Cup and its significance in my life had me living in the present.
I couldn’t quite settle, so I kept straddling. After spending some time reflecting on this, I divided us humans into four different personality types and studied each of their habits/lifestyles. Within these personality types we’ll analyze the character traits and identify the correlations to happiness.

What Is “Happy” and Why Is It so Difficult?

Most of what we know about happiness is wrong. Pursuing happiness is just that — an endless pursuit of an unattainable reality.
This isn’t as somber as it sounds, I promise. Being aware of this hoax is the first step. Below, you’ll learn about an alternative angle that is both attainable and worthwhile.
We’re all craving this feeling of happiness, but we’re not able to hold onto it beyond temporary moments of joy. Why should happiness be this complicated? Who are these rare people that appear to be happy all the time? What makes them special?
Happy is an emotion. Emotions are temporary, they’re constantly changing. We can change our emotional states, but we can’t always control them.
Our emotions should be used as a tool. For example, if we’re feeling sad that’s our emotions telling our brain, “Umm…excuse me, change something fast! Or else I’ll just keep feeling sad over here.” Unfortunately, we identify with our emotions and allow them to control us, rather than use them as the tool that they are.
Happiness, on the other hand, is this idea that maybe one day we’ll just be happy forever. Long-term infinite happy = happiness.
In essence, being happy for more than a temporary amount of time is not possible.
So what would Jonathan, Rachel, and Ricardo say? They’re living in a way that feels natural to them. It’s likely they (like us) were programmed to act this way from a very young age. Most of us don’t think twice about these habits — yet they identify who we are.
Should we succumb to living by past (ineffective) virtues? Should we be shaped by people and events from our past? Let’s examine the fundamentals by which these people live.

Jonathan: The Happy-Go-Lucky Adventurer

Jonathan’s free-flowing lifestyle could be considered hippy or Eastern by many. He dislikes commitment, but if you asked him he’d tell you spontaneity is the preference. Jonathan is indeed very present, and he’s generally happy. He lives for today and has no regrets. He doesn’t however exude much aspiration or have grand goals for the future.
People like Jonathan will generally allow (and embrace) life coming at them. He makes living in the moment a priority and works hard to maintain that virtue.

Rachel: The Ravenous Futurist

Rachel is an achiever. She lives for the future. She’s not all that happy right now, but she believes that when that big day comes (when she’s achieved all her dreams), she’ll be happy. Rachel is always busy and has trouble getting into a flow, because she finds it hard to be present.
Note: Rachel is very stereotypical of many entrepreneurs and solopreneurs.
Rachel is committed to growing. She “gets it” when it comes to success. Unfortunately, her desire to control everything in her environment leads to stress. It also leads to periods of anxiety she can’t control.

Ricardo: The Apathetic Negatron

Ricardo is bored. He allows himself to float along the river of life, and feels like a victim of the world. He isn’t happy and doesn’t see much hope for change. His cynicism only feeds his dwindling hope, and after years of this he’s become quite miserable. Ricardo has lost the ability to see the beauty of life. He attaches no meaning or significance to his time here.
We now understand these three mindsets and lifestyles. Let’s recap:
Jonathan is generally happy and lives in the present, Rachel is rarely happy and lives in the future, and Ricardo…just doesn’t give a sh*t. As I mentioned above, let’s forget about the pursuit of happiness. Let’s focus on something better: fulfillment.
In order to truly be fulfilled we need two things: to grow and to contribute. By living in the trap of the three realities above, you’re missing these two things.

You: The Fulfilled Rockstar

Now here comes…you.
You are in awe every day with the magic of life. You aren’t concerned with being happy all the time, because you know that’s not possible. Life comes with its ups and downs, all you can do is limit your suffering. Your concern is to be fulfilled.
You have goals for the future (big ones) that you’re working toward every day, but you aren’t attached to the result or goal itself. You live with gratitude every day. You know to feel grateful you must appreciate what you already have, and that this is the first step to getting more of what you want.
You balance your needs for spontaneity and security. You welcome new experiences. You let go enough to enjoy the serendipity of life. You don’t live for the pursuit of happiness, wealth, or some elaborate and grandiose vision. Your reality is rooted in the present, while being excited and optimistic of the future.
You dedicate yourself to growth and creating value for others, because that increases your sense of significance and contribution. Your life is driven by a deep purpose.
You are fulfilled. You have an underlying sense of contentment, significance, and gratification. Your fulfillment magnifies the positive and reduces the negative.
What’s the fastest way to shift into feeling fulfilled?

Look back at what you’ve already accomplished, rather than forward at all you haven’t. — Tweet this!

Always look for the lesson in life. Know that what you once considered failures are actually just temporary hiccups, designed to be training along the way. These experiences are what will allow you to contribute to others and feel true fulfillment.
To contribute, we must grow. To grow, we must experience. And to experience, we must take action and let go.
So go on and be that inspiring example of the fulfilled rockstar you already are.
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What do you think about happiness? How will you incorporate this idea of being fulfilled in your life?
Supplemental Resources:

1. The Science of Happiness – An Experiment in Gratitude
2. Gratitude: Louie Schwartzberg at TEDxSF
3. Harvard Magazine: Science of Happiness

Photo credit: Snowboarding in Maldvies — CC License

Total Reading Time: 6 minutes.

An Odd Interim

I was in 7th grade. I rode around everywhere on my GT Mach One BMX bike. I rarely ever did my homework. I didn’t pay attention in class. And I didn’t care to listen to anyone, especially if it was unsolicited advice.
I hung out with a sixteen year old homeschooled kid that was obsessed with vampires and Marilyn Manson. Eventually, I became obsessed with those things too. He slept in until 4 PM every day, and we’d hang out after I got home from school.
My other friends were kids that rebelled against their parents, were constantly in trouble, and had zero motivation to succeed. But they were “cool”…
As you can see, I was going through a bit of a phase. The ironic thing about a phase is that you have no idea you’re going through one until you’re out of it.
Luckily for me, it was a short one. Those things simply weren’t me. As much as I wanted them to accept me and have a group of my own, I couldn’t let myself drown or perpetually hate life like those kids.

A Powerful and Simple Proclamation by Jim Rohn

There’s a quote you’ve probably heard before:

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
– Jim Rohn

This could be one of the most true and profound statements of our time. I’d like to explore a 2.0 version of this same idea.
We all know it’s true we start talking like, acting like, thinking like, dressing like, spending like, and even feeling like the five people we spend the most time with.
Just walk through any of San Francisco’s eclectic neighborhoods and this truth is plainly presented. Even in a city known for its individuality, everyone looks and acts like everyone else. No one wants to be the outcast, the black sheep.

The Average of All Choices: True Growth

What about everything else? Do the books we read, people we listen to (but don’t necessarily know), TV shows we watch, and choices we make on the weekends shape who we are?
Of course they do, it’s just harder to see. After that phase in 7th grade I made a big change. I started hanging out with kids that did their homework, and started doing my own (most of the time). I began enjoying having intellectual conversations. I started reading books by inspiring people and began to care about measuring growth. I started realizing that maybe success was in my own hands, and life didn’t have to just happen to me. I was in control.
Later on in life — just a year or so ago actually — I decided to become a professional. I had another one of these “waking up” episodes, and with it, a big epiphany: the visions I had in my mind of the person I wanted to become didn’t match the actions I was taking today.
Would future Arman finish his work early and assume it was good enough? Would future Arman spend every weekend out on the town—drowning himself in noise, alcohol, and surface level conversation? Would future Arman surround himself with people who were okay with the status quo, with no real passion for life?
To think one day we’ll wake up and magically have the life we envisioned is a fatal mistake. That’s an amateur mindset.
The fastest and most effective way to move in the direction of your vision (without worrying about how it’ll happen), is to actually live it now. Be it now, even in the smallest ways possible.
Tiny steps go a long way.

You must be the person you have never had the courage to be. Gradually you will discover that you are that person, but until you can see this clearly, you must pretend and invent.
– Paulo Coelho

I thought I was doing a good job, but there’s always room for improvement. Being aware and conscious of your choices is a great start toward becoming a happier and more fulfilled person.
I made a decision to be the very best version of myself I can be, and that person doesn’t play at an amateur level. I played small because I fell into the sheep trap again. Maybe I wanted to be accepted, or just live a “normal” life.
I stopped, I changed, and I’ve never felt better. Now everyone around me tells me I’ve changed, but I love it. Why? I think because it confirms I’m moving in the right direction. Something magical keeps nudging me along, like little omens. I know this feeling, and it usually leads to great triumph. I’m not going to question it. And when you make those changes, neither should you.
You don’t have to worry about what people will think about your new lifestyle choices. If anything, you’ll gain more respect and they will admire you. Growth attracts amazing people, and naturally sheds the rest (including the naysayers).

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
– Bernard M. Baruch

How Do You Make The Shift?

So how do you start to build that awareness and make more conscious choices about what influences you? Look around. Where and how do you spend your time?
What about the news you consume, does that affect you? Absolutely. The people you follow on Instagram, the books you read, the movies you see — all of it is part of the “formula of averages” that shapes who you are.
Just because you’re watching it on TV doesn’t mean you’re detached from it. We underestimate the affect of incoming information on our subconscious and conscious minds. It’s affecting your behaviors, and even your desires. I mean, you’re spending time with this person or idea after all, aren’t you?
Realizing this can be a bit heavy at first. There’s definitely an initial waking up period. You may feel a sense of responsibility to be more conscious about your choices, or even a sudden urge to radically change everything at once.
Don’t let it overwhelm you, have fun with it. Take it one area at a time and start to make changes little by little. Maybe start by finding excuses to hang out with that one really quirky, successful friend you have. Remember, success leaves clues.

Time to Start, but Slowly…

Start slow. Exchange just one brainless show you’re addicted to with the enlightening documentary on your queue, or that book you’ve been wanting to read. For example, lately I’ve been spending my free time watching Cosmos (the best thing on television, ever). I get to relax, and still learn something at the same time.
Another new ritual I’ve formed is meditation. I used to think it was mystical balderdash, but I’ve researched and tested this thoroughly now. I’m hooked. Meditation, even for a busy entrepreneur, is one of the most important and positive rituals you can add into your life today.
Just to be clear: I’m not recommending you become some uptight, sober book worm. There’s nothing wrong with relaxing and zoning out sometimes. In fact, it’s good for you. Sometimes doing nothing but relaxing and rejuvenating is the best thing you can do.
I’m suggesting that you be more aware of how you spend your time.
When we hear about success stories, we place them in a separate category, as if it’s a hollywood movie. All my life I looked at people I wanted to become and thought, “Well, that’s them. They were born with talent. They probably knew the right people and had connections” which is the biggest BS of all.
I believe there’s one key thing that stops us from getting what we want: our story. The fictitious story you tell yourself about why things are the way they are. Change your story, and you can change your life.
Perhaps you want to be wealthy. So surround yourself with successful, wealthy people. Read books by wealthy people, and learn to appreciate their perspective. Don’t hang out with people who get jealous of others. Or worse, people who believe all wealthy people just “got lucky”. And if that’s what you believe, maybe it’s time to take a look at your own programming and explore the cognitive dissonance you’re holding. I did, and it changed my perspective.
Perhaps you want to travel more. So ask your traveler friends when their next trip is and go with them this time. Or even better, take a long weekend and head to a random country for no reason at all. I flew down to Panama and explored a beautiful country, in only 4.5 days. Don’t be the person who just asks questions about what destinations to visit, and then never does anything.
Perhaps you want to become a solopreneur. So support the ones you identify with most. When I first started to even consider this as an option, I looked to people like Chris Guillebeau to get guidance and motivation. Email your solopreneur friends and offer some value or help (this is key). Then ask them specific questions, including me. You’ll be surprised at the free help you get from people. Don’t delay and keep searching for a golden ticket, you’ll never find it.
So remember, it isn’t just the people we spend time with that influence us. It’s the reality we live in, the choices we make, and the things we do that shape us.
You are an average of the friends, mentors, activities, information, and experiences you choose to have in your life.
I trust you’ll make the best decisions. And remember, enjoy the ride…

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Do you agree with Jim Rohn’s “average of the five people” quote? What’s one small step you can take today to be more fulfilled?
Photo Credit: Ghost Street — CC License